Now is as good a time as any to say and here's as good a place as any write the things that I've always wanted to. Once again, it's been months since my last post. I guess life has its nasty claws, directing me in every direction but the one I want to head. 

I used to write in a diary, but I've not had the time. I'd like to again. Paper itself presents a problem. Little hands grabbing and eating anything within arms reach. A few quick typed words are much easier to manage. Although, it helps get my thoughts written down, I'm still not sure about the idea of penning to the world instead of in my own secret book. Then, if these thoughts are read, how much of my personal life do I want exposed? Being able to express myself and have the release of writing down my thoughts and feelings is euphoric. But I am seclusive. I am private. I'm torn. I mean, it's fine to be generic and vague when its not personal. I need to have the personal touch present. I'm no good at this blogging thing. I never know what is ideal. Sure, I'd like people to read but only to be redirected to my fiction works. *sigh*.

Maybe one day. Maybe never I'll include some personal details. But right now, life calls and people need feeding - namely me.

Serenity.

I sit in my lounge room, I steal the few minutes I have to write something down. Life has gotten in the way of being able to write as much as I like. Life as it seems, is not a hinderance, just a different path. Perhaps a path that would allow me to rekindle the flame of verbal diarrhea.

Three months since my last entry is entirely too long. Since life, as it were, has settled into a more manageable and easy routine, I find I have more time. Slowly working towards reading a few chapters of a book I long to escape into. Eager to chin waggle with the people of my writer's group again. Struggling with the barrier between the pictures in my mind and putting pen to paper. Bit by bit, I suppose. One can not ask more than that. However, I do fear extent of the phrase, "Use it or lose it." That's why I strive to write something. Even a few sentences. Obviously, it hasn't gone as well as I'd wanted. But I can always start doing something now. It's never too late to start again.

I'd much like to get back into my studies again. There was a certain thrill in learning. Reading the course material, writing out assignments is exciting. Unfortunately, it's not possible just yet but I'll be learning something that doesn't require a timetable. My mind, I feel, is going to mush unless I have intelligent stimulation. One day at a time.

S. McWilliams.

Firstly, Merry Christmas, happy holidays and Happy New Year! I wish you all a safe and wonderful break. 

Wow, how fast this year has gone by. Just yesterday, I swear it was January. Just has the year gone by, so has many other life changing events. I had little luck with my last years new years resolution of writing everyday. I'd lost my interest in writing and I didn't know how to get it back. Hopefully, that will all change now that things have settled down. 

I'm looking forward to seeing what 2014 will bring.

The ever popular psuedonym or nom de plume or pen name is an alluring path of anonymity and intrigue. I was contenplating this fact today as I engaged in a somewhat childish activity - googling my own name. In the zero point something seconds it took, my eyes lit up with excitement to find I not only was I on the search but I was second, third and forth on the list. I was so excited I screen printed the page and emailed the jpeg to a few of my closest friends and family members.

Deciding to take on another name to remain anonymous while writing and publishing books was a choice I made many years ago. In high school, a friend and I concocted our own pen names and made a promise to look out for each other on bookshelves in the future. Although I haven't seen her on shelves, I can still assume that no one has the same name. The name we chose, I found out later while performing that childish and somewhat narcissistic venture, was taken. Without getting into too much detail, I did come up with another name that I am quite happy with.

I am happy with my name and remaining in the shadows but I have run into another obstacle. How do I market myself, my work without revealing who I am? I hear nay sayers scoff and say "That's ridiculous! You're just going to have to suck it up and do something." Of course, while never offering any viable solutions. I've always wanted to be one of those rare instant sensations who appear in stores worldwide from one well-liked book. A fleeting dream. While desirable, it's not probable so I have to look at other options. But what? My husband suggested I post the google search jpeg on my facebook page and scream, "It's ME!". But that goes against everything I have worked for. I want publicity but I don't want to be associated with it. I had thought about creating a seperate facebook page and pushing my own work as a 'friends' but who hasn't done that trick before? I am stuck between wanting to be a famous author and remaining hidden.

I guess all in all, choosing a psuedonym may sound like a desirable mystery but there comes a point where I'm going to have to poke my head out. As scary as that may seem, there could be some worthwhile rewards in the sunlight. Well, I'll just wait and see.

S. McWilliams

It has been many months since my last blog post. I guess that has been because Christmas was hectic and my personal life just took a new turn. I prefer not to include too much of my personal life in my blogs at this point. I hope everyone's Christmas was as hectic and delightful as mine.

In this new year, I have consciously decided to write everyday. Whether it be a few words or a few pages, I will write something, somewhere. Some days, I just don't feel like writing my novel, like there is nothing left in my head to create and form words that will astound and astonish but then it hit me. It doesn't have to be fictional writing. It can be blogging, diary writing, poetry anything that stimulates the brain because then, I have found, it creates a snowball effect. Once I start, words begin forming and more words and pretty soon I have verbal diarrhea. This is the point I want to reach each day quicker. By writing something everyday, slowly I can shorten the time it takes to the optimum.

Since I have reached the top of my waterfall, it's time to take the plunge down the endless stream of words.

S. McWilliams

I spent the entire month stressing over words and sentences to create a novel long enough. All those days and nights worrying if I was going make it were all not for naught. Although I needn't have worried so much and I finished with a few hundred words to spare. Those nights gave me great insight into achieveing a goal on a deadline. This was more useful and informative to me than all my years of writing in my hovel.

I reached my 50 thousand word count goal. Now, I actually have to finish my masterpiece and that I believe will be the greatest challenge. If I use what I've learnt and all the pep talks received from people at NaNoWriMo, I should be able to complete it.

When I was younger, I never had any difficulties allowing my fingers to explore the keyboard creating page after page of colloquialisms and grand masterpieces. Spending hours, even days in my room just writing. Nowadays, I'm struggling to write a few sentences. With this writer's competition looming ahead of me, I can't afford to be stuck finding words that used to come so naturally to me. So I began thinking about what used to help me back then.

I had very few distractions. I didn't have the internet. It was a relatively new thing and it was still a 24k/bs dial-up connection with the ever so popular dialling sounds. It was only available on the family computer and I was allowed access only at limited times. There were no social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook or countless fun pages such as youtube or readit. If there were, I wasn't aware of them. We didn't have pay tv so we were stuck with whatever horrible show was on at the time, and being a teenager at the time, there was very little I was allowed to watch. I had no game consoles or hand held gadgets. The only thing I did have was my desktop computer, a few old games and Word. Plus a selection of music which helped to drown out whatever happenings at home.

I battled depression which I did not know about at this stage and my friends did not understand. This made me pretty much a recluse so my social life was next to none. The friends I did have were not real friends. I couldn't really say my schoolwork suffered because my schools curriculum was substandard. The work was somewhat easy and so long as I got my assignments in on time, no one really cared about homework. As a result, I had plenty of spare time.

I didn't have a job either. Apart from not wanting to work in the cliche fast food restaurants, looking back, I probably wouldn't have coped working in a fast paced, stressful environment. I had no idea what I wanted to do for work. All I knew is that I wanted to write.

Hence, so far, amidst fruitless dead end jobs, I have continued to write. And I have decided, this is all the job and work I would ever want.

I do remember that working alone in my room with music playing worked. So did caffeine. I recall countless nights where I stayed up, buzzing on my mix of milo, malt and coffee. These days caffeine doesn't do much for my anxiety but one cup envokes the same barrier bulldozer effect I used to have. So with coffee pot brewing, I ponder over my keyboard once again.

In conclusion, what I need to do is to return to a place or space where I can be free of aforementioned distractions and focus completely. Question is, where is such a place?

S. McWilliams

I am finding myself facing the scariest challenge of my writing career. Feelings of overwhelming anxiety and fear mixed with sweaty palms and pale faced expressionless. I have signed up to the National Novel Writing Month. 50,000 words in 30 days. The worst part is it's all from scratch with no previously written sections. I am terrified.

Well, I was always taught the best way to over come your fears is to face them. So here I go, facing my fear head on. Wish me luck :)

S. McWilliams

It's here! After many months of staring at empty pages and beating writer's block, I managed to put together a short story. And after many months of patiently waiting the day has finally arrived. My name is in print. I'm in a place somewhere between shock and numb. I've included the link below where you can find the anthology.

https://writersweb.com.au/shop/words-from-toowoomba/

While sorting out some old boxes full of papers I'd been hoarding for many years, I came across something I wrote. I only have half of it but the main message still rings clear. Even though these words came from my younger self, I believe they need to be shared.

I assume I had been penning thoughts about a self searching journey and I assume I addressed it to someone I knew.

... Unfortunately, I cannot give you the answers you need. Every search is different. There is no right or wrong. The answer you need, are looking for, is one you have find yourself. But do not be discouraged. The journey may be yours but you will not have to do it alone. Many are on the same search, as am I.

Within your life there will be people who will inspire you; to search and to persevere. They come in the form of family members, a teacher, mentor, neighbour, classmate, work collegue, boyfriend, girlfriend, an ex, even your enemy. Although they may do this unknowingly, do not disregard them because of who they are. Take note and continue.

There will be moments, events, days, times that will inspire you. There will be sentences, words, phrases, paragraphs, books, movies, even catch phrases that for one reason or another cause a 'lightbulb' moment. Do not disregard them. Take note and continue. Because not one person, moment or group of words can give you the answer you need. Together they can create your entire hourney. But ultimately, that search, your search to find who you are, is your own.